Bliss and Mayhem

   See this guy here?     I made him. He is a part of my being. He has Autism. And he has challenges that the average you and I who do not – may not every fully understand. He didn’t say “mum” till he was nearly 4. He screamed for up to 8 hours a day, bashing his head against walls. He hated being touched. Hated his mother holding him. It was a survival relationship for him. I was the person that kept him warm, fed him and bathed him. I wasn’t his mother. He didn’t know what mother was. I was 20 years old. And my heart was breaking. In those early years, when things were always so desperate, always so isolating, always so unknown, it was impossible to see anything in the future. I couldn’t imagine Ethan talking, forming friendships, reading, being independent. Because when you are living it, day in, day out – it’s hard. Fucking hard. And foresight for me, was impossible. Fast forward 10 years or so. My guy, Ethan, this term at his special school was ma...

 The last fortnight has really knocked me for six. On top of a freezing start to the Melbourne winter here, I am just starting to feel human again from what I have self-diagnosed as a nasty virus. With the start of head cold symptoms to excruciating pain all over the upper half of my body that I have never experienced before in my life, with only getting an hours sleep at night for a week {if I was lucky!} because of the pain, to the point that if someone rocked up to my house with any drug of choice, I would have kissed their feet at the front door ! Just to stop the pain . I seriously would have. That’s how bad if felt. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like that and the reason it rocked me about so much was the depression that hit me with it. Feeling useless and so unwell, sent me into a bit of an internal downward tunnel where I didn’t care whether I ate, bathed, communicated… nothing, and my usual optimistic self was non-existent.  Gone. Zip. Nudda. And it’s been a ...

 Yep.  We all have them.  Yesterday for me, was a complete fail day. Lot's of this blog is filled with my upbeat, go get em, glass half full type of thinking.  Yesterday was NOT one of those days.  Let me share with you my "mayhem" and "blunder" of the first day of winter: The morning of all mornings. We start with the desperate feeling of not wanting to crawl out of bed at 6am. 6am people!     To function, I need 3 of these beauties to get out of the house on time:     I scramble around while making Ethan's lunch for the day, Jacks bottle for when he wakes up while I'm downing the 2nd coffee...   After I make myself semi presentable so that I can leave the house without scaring children, I proceed to yell at the heater in the car like it's an actual person that will reply back, "why the hell are you not bloody warming up!!!?????" Ethan's face says it all:   If looks could kill... mmmm I'd be in trouble....

   It's been a little while since my last "Taking Stock" post, and I really love writing them as I find that having one word to respond to really hones in on what actually is really happening in your world.  So lovely people, the latest taking stock:   Making:  Lists of things to do for my upcoming trip to Bali (24 days and counting!)   Cooking:  Quite a bit actually, and slowly enjoying it. Huh? I know, amazing! Drinking:  Lot’s of COFFEE! Of course wine but I change to Red over winter.   Reading:  Lots of blogs at the moment. Saving a couple of good books to get into over the holiday.     Wanting:  A cigarette, a smoke, a dart, you get the drift?? Tomorrow will be two weeks since I had my last smoke. I’m on an electrical cigarette (which give me my dose of nicotine) but man – I would run up to you a sniff your face if you lit up in front of me right now! Looking:  Forward to skin needling next week. Say ...