Sorrow. Remains.

 I miss you both. Very much. 

 

Written March 7th, 2017

I don’t think that any of the words that I put down here can do justice to the impact losing the both of you has had  the past two years. Every year, the feelings of such sadness and sorrow, that I know so many of us are experiencing just compounds itself and I feel helpless knowing that I will not see you again.

 

One of my soul sisters suggested that I write it all down, get it all out, or as much as I can to let part of the pain be released so that I can look back on the times that we had together with a smile rather than the crippling grief that I have continued to experience.

So here goes. I miss you both. So very much.

And I think, because you were both taken is such tragic circumstance, I never had a chance to say goodbye. We all didn’t.  Steve knows, Max, that you and him were and always will be brothers and that If you had not died that there would have been a phone call, a chat and like always over the past 30 years, those candid talks and a mateship that will transcend time. He misses you so so much. Remember when you met Ethan for the first time? He still talks about you, Mr Max. You were one of the first people that took the time and effort to actually connect with him. Talk to him, even though he didn’t talk back. Thank you so much for showing him love.

On our wedding day, you had Steve and all the boys over at your place getting ready. Thank you so much for talking to him with Jay and asking him if he is sure about getting married to me and if there were any doubts that you guys would sort it all. He never had that opportunity the first time round. Thank you for saying the words that most wouldn’t.

 

Remember when I spewed all over your white couch after downing your favourite Red Wine with you and Steve and Nichola ran for the hills but you came up to me and gave me a big cuddle and held my hair. God, sorry about the couch. And Jods, when you checked my hair for lice because you know, kids, haha and when thinning out my hair on your front porch with the “munching scissors” as I called them. When you called me and spoke to me for 4 hours while I regurgitated  and you just listened. Thank you. We had so many great times my girl, so many real talks. I cherish all of those. Do you remember when you came over and saw us knee deep in renovating our ensuite? You said to Steve, “omg, mate, what an awesome job, you can come to my place anytime to help me”. I really struggle going in there every day, especially the wardrobe. Jods, your Dad rang me after the funeral and asked me if I could bring some of your ashes to Bali to him. Hunny, I was honoured to do that, so that your Dad could have a small piece of you with him and I know so much how you loved Bali, just like I do. I take in a deep breath every time I land there and watch a sunset for you hun. I’m so sorry Jods. I’m so very sorry.

 

When Goofy rang Steve that Saturday, he already knew what the news was to come before he arrived. There was Bourbon cans in his hands and Steve looking out from the garage dropped the tool he was holding. He knew. I was in the kitchen, and they both walked in, somber faced and just looked at me. I dropped the fry pan. I screamed. I just couldn’t. Max, Steve just started digging mate. Digging the rock where the stairs were in the yard, By hand, he cried and cried and dug and dug. For 4 months he chiseled away as a way to cope with losing you.

 

He tells me all the time that you didn’t feel anything. The impact of the 4wd that hit your bike killed you instantly. I am so scared that you felt something but he assures me that when you hit that pot hole and probably saw the car your last though was probably fuck and that was it. I wasn’t there but the four that were have told us what they saw and the nightmares that I have had since have at times be unbearable. We couldn’t see you as your face and body was so burnt. The open helmet didn’t protect your face at all. Jods, Tracy ran over to you as soon as they saw the scene, she kept saying to me over and over that she held you on the road and kept telling you to stay, your babies love you, stay Jods, she thinks she felt a pulse ever so slightly but hunny, your injuries were just too much babe, your legs were broken and the internal damage inside was pretty bad. Your face however, when your Dad went to see you – he said you looked so peaceful like you were sleeping.

 

Max, I know you’d shake me for it, but after that day – I told Steve he will never ever have a motorbike every again. And he was going to get a Harley that year - start doing some rides with ya. But we bit the bullet, refinanced the house and he bought a Mustang. His dream car that he had wanted ever since you two used to think that your were Maverick and Goose from Top Gun with your bomber jackets. Max, he poured his heart and soul into that car, and it brought him to breaking point nearly. He found a mate through this,  that you would have loved ,through this period – and that friendship I think saved him a little,. You know Steve, usually keeps things close to heart but slowly like an onion the layers are coming off and he is opening up. I think every time he drives Sally now – with the wind coming through the window openings – he thinks of you, with the Eagles playing the in the background. And you’re so around, I feel you around all the time. Even Jack last Christmas was lying in our bed with us and he said “ Look Mummy at the fan on the ceiling, there is a man smiling at me that looks like Daddy” I’m petrified every time the phone rings that there will be bad news on the receiving end. I fear all the time that I’m going to lose Steve. And I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t know what to do with the fear.

 

I want you both to know how blessed I was to have you in my life. How grateful for the times that we shared. I miss you. I love you. This grief has been overwhelming the past two years, I have told Steve many times that we are so lucky to have each other, our kids and that to make the most of everything. Your deaths have shown me in what the important things are Not just the cliche.

 

I’ll be seein ya. Oxoxoxox