Skip to main content

The Jungle. An open letter to You.

 To my dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life, 

I've been quiet. I have also been distant, refrained and at times non-contactable. See, this anxiety beast that has grown over the last two years; it has been playing havoc with my insides. There are many times and days where I feel aokay, I am on top of the world - I smile, dance and laugh - and then this tiny burning feeling starts growing deep in my chest and it all comes crashing down around me - even if you cannot see it on the outside. 

I understand, dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life, how frustrating or confusing this may be for you. That in one instance, I seem fine and then the next, I don't reply to your text message for days. That's the mess that is, the Black Dog I suppose. It is such a thing in itself. Debilitating. 

Dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life - I'm here. 2017, has felt a little like an uphill marathon. Where seeing your name on my phone or reading your message can bring me to a crippling halt. And It's not you. Oh no, dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life. It's me. It's my internal battle at the moment of feeling scared, or cornered, or not worthy or just plain tired. And I'm reaching out, ever so gently to a few -  who are there - but not there - you know? Because I know dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life, that we all are going through big things all the time. This is just my little big thing at the moment. 

I just looked on here and had seen that I hadn't written anything here on my blog, my outlet for the last three months.  A record of some sorts since I started. And the ideas and words are there - but staring at the blank screen, watching the cursor got tick,tick,tick - brings on those deep breaths and shakes and the shut down of the page has been just been easier. 

I recently was chatting to one of my dearest-sweet-beautiful people in my life and and after trying to explain the torture that some of us feel when it comes to living with anxiety, I threw my hands up and just said, " I've got it, and I don't even fucking get it". That simple. I know it's there. I know how it can play with me at times but for the life of me, I don't understand it. 

So, dearest-sweet-beautiful, person in my life, this is my jungle at the moment. Thank you for staying with me through this one and being ever so patient. Believe me when I tell you, I value you in my life. I'm just going through the rivers and the jungles and the paddocks of this thing I don't even understand. 

oxox

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Do not write blog post when you have had a couple of wines

 It's been a bad day.  Not a travesty, but a day of anxiety, overload of emotions, countless puffs from many a ciggies and all in all just a bleh.  Where the fuck has 2020 gone? How did we get from free world to lockdown and oppressions and wearing masks???? I  burnt my 2020 planner, close with my 2020 diary, because why the fuck, hey? Let's just write this year off as a mistake on a humanity scale and start fresh in 2021.  Funnily enough, I bought a $4 2021 diary. So there may be hope. My beloved is struggling. Which  means that I am struggling, Seeing him in pain, no sleep, swelling joint agony, depression and all the things that entail chronic illness. I'm at a loss as to how to help him, I just sit and be with him and tell him every day that i will be by his side till the rest of my days.  At least 2020 has shown us this: What actually is important in our life, What actually matters, like really really matters,  The latest model car o...
Post a Comment
Read more

Is it Saturday or Sunday?

 It is just before 6am as I sit here on my back porch watching the sun slowly rise for another day. What day is it? #isolyf has got me all confused to the day, date and month. With so many of us wishing and wanting “more time”, I have found myself getting bored of being bored and the motivation bug seems to come in slower and less frequently. How the world has changed in the unprecedented times, hey? It seems that here in #straya, we have quickly adapted to the powers that be and in the matter of weeks have become accustomed to the lack of interaction and movement. Does that concern you? How quickly we have been able to conform? I had to delete Facebook off my phone a few weeks ago as I was constantly checking #scomo and Googling “coronavirus” every other minute. The information overload brought on confusion as well as fear and I was working around feeling like doomsday was coming. The best thing that I did was switch off. The establishment news was only regurgitating stupidity ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tyranny, Censorship, Fear and Questions

 This post will most likely be banned on any social media accounts I share to. Censorship has been coming in hard and clear – even more so in the past few months. While I have been indulging myself in all seasons of Gossip Girl, Tiger King and Real Housewives of Anywhere, I have also been digging deep with the help of some like minded souls into Science Censorship, Liberty stealing and heart wrenching conformance that has been occurring around the globe. In many ways, 2020 for my little family has been positive. Deleting the last few days of a polar blast over the southern states of Australia bringing Winter overnight with freezing, blizzard winds and rain that was howling sideways over the rooftops. Other than that, we have had some wins here. When #Covid19 came to light – I had my fingers peeled on Google repeat. I was watching every single news article I could find, hitting refresh on all the latest updates on Facebook, the big five News establishments as well as TV. It was ...
Post a Comment
Read more